long time isn't it?

what has happened to me?

hmmm.
am happy, yet confused as ever.

where to be?
what to do?

and all the more sillier questions like
what is life for me
what is love
and what others have succeeded
so far
is to make myself
feel a lot
guiltier than i should be.
or why should i be?

i can't communicate this enough.
but guilt lies there
a snake that gets bigger and bigger with time
within me
and refuses to move out
or just, even, move.

it fails me.

i have this tendency to...

well,
i have lots of tendencies.

but this one is regarding
my tendency to say
i am happy.

but
i don't know if that assuring myself
helped me in anyway.
i think it helped me
only to compromise with what i really dint want
with my life, my relationships.

i'm slowly learning to say
what i feel.
it's tough...

how will the other feel?
what would they think about me?
will saying what i feel
do anything good to what i really feel?
and a hundred other questions..

slowly..

straying.

it was never my problem.
because
i always was.

this is the time
it creeps through my vains
it's the pain
i've caused others.

just this
simple absurd disorientation
it includes
my absence of love for myself,
my absence of a perception
my haste.

i am sorry,
i love you.

when someone dies.

he died out of nonsense.
merely
simply
dead

so
i tell myself
it's just
not necessary
to believe
he lived.

his existence
touched me
embraced me
in a very
unhuman way.

next is mine.

2009.
mine.
i think so.
:)

it was when it all got drowned

the sounds
the footsteps
the rain on the streets
muddy waters

however, how much ever
you try
your feet searches for a pothole
your ear waits for an abuse
your body shrinks
to cross past a raindrop

it was not like me,
i was not like it.

this scared, cautious, angry cat
she looks at me through
my iron window panes

searching.

16-Dec-2008

here,
i don't intend to have a tone of sadness,
a tone of despiration.
can't help it.

two years ago,
the same day my grandmother died.
ever since,
i don't remember being able to
breathe freely.

confused,
fucked up.

and today is the day
i feel i'm not good enough to survive.
i wont be able to do anything with myself.

may be this realisation helps me to happiness.
may be it makes things easier for me,
helps me to expect lesser out of me and my life.